Throughout life’s journey, we encounter incredible joys, tragedies, and moments that fall somewhere in between. Life itself is an intricate tapestry in which all our good and bad moments are woven together to make us who we are.
Of course, it’d be ideal if life could only consist of those good moments. If we could eliminate all the potential for internal and external negativity and strife, perhaps the world would be a nicer place.
But I’m not sure that’s necessarily true. I like to reframe life’s challenging moments as opportunities for further growth and development. I often think of the continuously adapted phrase, “If you’re not uncomfortable, you’re not growing.” We can find and emerge as our best selves within these lower, more challenging moments.
On our journey toward self-improvement, the true mark of personal growth is finding peace in embracing what cannot be changed.
How Can We Find Peace in Embracing What Cannot Be Changed?
The Potency of Ancient Philosophy — Bring It On
I once read Mary Tyler Moore’s autobiography, “After All,” and a quote has always stuck with me:
“The water was clear and high as I knelt over it. I opened the container and emptied it into the rushing water. What was meant to be a prayer became an outraged demand. ‘You take care of him.’ I screamed at the sky.”
Moore’s son Richie died from a firearm accident at the age of 24 in 1980. In this part of the book, she’s describing the moment she released his remains into the Owens River in California.
At that moment, she was experiencing a potent mix of grief and anger: deep sorrow over the loss of her son and anger, given the circumstances. Her anger was directed at fate, or perhaps even the Divine, for allowing such a tragedy to occur. Even as I write this, I have a lump in my throat from imagining the pain and emotions she must have felt all those years ago.
The present moment is all we have; within a second, the present quickly becomes the past. Time is like a river in that way. The rushing currents go past, and the water in front of you is only there for a moment, as it’s soon replaced by the water behind it, over and over again, in the blink of an eye. This feels especially true as I’ve gotten older, as I notice how quickly the days turn into years, like time is just a rushing water current passing me by.
How Can We Find Peace in Embracing What Cannot Be Changed?
It’s easy to get dragged back to the past, which is likely something that often happens for many of us as we spend time thinking about what we should’ve done or said, what should’ve happened, or “If only I…”
Thinking again about Moore’s recount of the loss of her son, she was racked with guilt and believed if she had been a better mother, the tragedy wouldn’t have occurred. As if, somehow, she alone could’ve prevented it from happening.
These thoughts and feelings often stem from the trauma of the event, which is heavy in itself but is compounded by the burden of guilt we place on ourselves. This can be a significant hindrance to our personal growth.
Guilt can occur from a myriad of life situations and have impacts on those around us, too. In the face of shame and trauma, finding peace to move forward can feel like an uphill battle. But there is research that indicates dwelling on the past can have adverse effects on your mental and emotional health, deplete your energy levels, and damage your relationships.
When we’re trapped in the past, focused on unresolved emotions, insecurities, and trauma, we miss out on opportunities for personal growth. This, again, begs the question: How can we find peace and accept what’s beyond our control?
I feel it’s important to preface this by mentioning that over the past millennia, countless books, mental health programs, and spiritual movements—both divinely and intellectually inspired—have emerged to help people find peace in the face of challenging times.
A single blog post cannot cover the vast array of valuable concepts. I encourage you to seek insights beyond my own on your quest for personal growth and self-improvement. The more you learn about ways to improve your general wellness, the more likely you are to find practices that genuinely resonate with you and can become part of your daily life. I approach the task of sharing my findings with you humbly. These are a few practices and insights that stand out.
The Healing Process of Time
It’s debated whether the age-old saying, “Time heals all wounds,” is entirely accurate. The saying suggests that feelings such as grief and pain tend to lessen in severity over time. However, this isn’t the case for everyone or every wound.
The nature of the wound is essential to consider when suggesting whether or not time can act as a healing agent. For example, interpersonal issues, such as someone calling you an insulting name or offending you somehow, can likely be forgiven much easier over time. Conversely, heavier hurts, such as the loss of a loved one or a partner’s infidelity, may take much longer to heal, and even after several years, you may still be able to be quickly reminded of the event and feel a certain level of pain.
Generally, time creates space between the present and the past, allowing personal growth and wisdom to arise. The seeds of wisdom are planted in times of suffering and life experience. We must live life and experience ups and downs to cultivate wisdom.
Over time, you may have a greater understanding of the circumstances revolving around a past situation and your role in it, allowing you to gather a new perspective. As time passes, you may even be able to look at a past situation that you felt was inherently harmful and see some good that came from it.
Time is powerful because it allows us to see the big picture. It’s hard to truly understand a situation’s gravity—or even the lack thereof—when we’re in the middle of it in real-time.
Later, when your emotional scar tissue has formed and time has placed some distance between you. Whatever occurred, you can take another look at the past with fresh eyes, integrating lessons you’ve learned as you’ve worked towards personal growth.
With time, we gain knowledge and can further our compassion for ourselves and each other, even those who may have wronged us in the past. Moreover, as time passes, we can learn to see the past as a personal growth opportunity.
The Potency of Ancient Philosophy — Bring It On
One of the central tenets of Stoicism—an ancient philosophy dating back over 2,000 years—is to realize what you do and don’t have control over. Ultimately, the only aspect you have true control over is your reaction to what happened, encompassing your judgment and attitude. You cannot change what happened or what will happen, only your response to it.
The story you create in your mind about a past event significantly impacts how it will affect you. You’re the author of your own story. You create the narrative in your mind, and you alone get to decide what is and isn’t significant. Yes, you may have experienced something terrible, but you get to write the next line in the story. Will it torment you? Or will it be something you grow from and later find peace?
Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus often discussed the “sphere of choice,” which he described as understanding what is within an individual’s control. Once individuals realize that the actual power to determine their response to an external situation lies within them, they will be free from fear and anxiety. No amount of money, force, or coercion can dictate their reaction. It’s up to them and them alone. Epictetus states,
“Those things that lie within the sphere of choice are free from hindrance, while those outside of it are subject to hindrance.” Armed with this acceptance, we can live with a light heart and easy mind as we calmly await what may happen and gracefully accept what already has happened. Epictetus continues stating,
“Is it your wish that I should be poor? Bring it on, then, and you’ll see where poverty is when it finds a good actor to play the part.”
“Is there a wish that I should hold office? Bring it on.”
“Is it your wish that I should be deprived of office? Bring it on.”
“Is it your wish that I should suffer hardships? Bring those on, too.”
Epictetus, who sounds like a prize fighter, realizes the only true power resides in his judgment of events. These are hard words. Epictetus was formerly enslaved and subject to physical violence which caused him to lose the use of one of his legs. However, even after gaining his freedom, he realized his former enslaver couldn’t take away the most important facet of his being — how he responded to the adversities and how he managed to move on in his life for the better.
Love Your Fate
Epictetus and other Stoic philosophers wrote much about fate, which they believed resulted from divine providence. Whatever happened was thought to be a providential ordering of the whole, in which each action and result was part of an interconnected fabric.
They also believed that to be truly at peace, one must wish for nothing other than what is, what was, and what will be. In other words, you’ll find peace when you manage to accept whatever life has granted you.
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche called this amor fati, or “love of fate.” About loving your fate, he said,
“My formula for what is great in mankind is amor fati: not to wish for anything other than that which is, whether behind, ahead, or for all eternity. Not just put up with the inevitable…but to love it.”
This is another difficult concept to implement. Why should you love what happened to you, especially if it was one of the worst things you’ve ever experienced? As hard as it may be, this is the only way to truly experience personal growth and move on without torment. Consider thinking about your experiences through the lens of, “Everything that has happened to me is designed to bring growth, both mentally and spiritually.”
Life is a classroom, and the Stoic teachings and concept of amor fati teach us that we’re far more powerful than we believe when determining how life’s events affect us and how we respond.
Engage in Therapy
Suppose you’ve ever engaged in mental health therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy. In that case, there are facets of Stoicism being applied, such as learning to work on your responses to situations and being more present in the moment.
Therapy is a wonderful tool to use if you’re struggling to make peace with specific events that have occurred in your life or if you have another mental health concern you want to address. There’s no shame at all in talking to a mental healthcare professional. I have regularly engaged a therapist to talk through issues and obtain new tools for my mental health arsenal.
Just like regular physicals and check-ups are necessary, I believe everyone should have a therapist to talk to for regular mental “check-ups.” This is especially important for anyone working through some kind of trauma or challenging life circumstances or for those who have experienced the loss of a loved one and are navigating the grief cycle. For instance, Mary Tyler Moore turned to psychotherapy extensively to cope with the grief following her son’s passing.
Something to note about therapy, though, is that it’s challenging to make progress through just one session. Your therapist will likely suggest exercises for you to try outside of therapy to help advance your progress, and it’s essential you take their recommendations and implement them. Your willingness to heed your therapist’s teachings is paramount to your personal growth and ability to feel better.
A recurring theme in this blog is that you control yourself, your emotions, and your story. Similarly, your ability to make significant progress in therapy also lies with you.
Cultivate the Divine
Learning to give up control and adjust one’s mindset to accept the things one cannot change is a clear marker of personal growth. For some, seeking divine intervention and surrendering control to a higher power may be beneficial.
Each person’s spirituality is unique. Some may resonate with the teachings of various organized religions, while others may prefer to combine teachings from multiple sources to create a spiritual journey that is uniquely their own. It doesn’t matter what spirituality looks like for you so long as it’s a practice you’ve identified as working for you.
Once you’ve found your practice, you should continuously connect to the Divine through prayer and meditation. Connecting with the Divine is comforting, as you can rest assured that your higher power will never abandon you. Instead, it is always there, providing you with the strength to endure life’s hardships and helping you find healing, peace, and personal growth in the face of situations out of your control.
Conclusion
Throughout life, we’re constantly working toward personal growth and self-improvement. But if we cannot learn how to find peace in accepting the things we cannot change, we’ll never be able to reach our full potential, as we’ll be stuck dwelling in the past.
It’s important to frame life’s challenges as opportunities for personal growth and development. Every lived experience makes you wiser and more resilient.
The concepts I’ve outlined here are valuable tools that help you learn to accept what is and isn’t within your control and find peace in both circumstances. You can pick the individual practice that resonates most with you, but nothing will be as impactful as the potent combination of using all of them together.
Allowing time to pass, implementing Stoic principles and the concept of amor fati, engaging in therapy, and connecting with a higher power used in unison can transform your mental well-being from hopeless to hopeful, negative to positive, and powerless to powerful.
Remember, you are the author of your story. You get to choose how each scene plays out, and most importantly, you get to write the ending for yourself. At the end of your book, what will your story say? For Mary Tyler Moore, who suffered a horrible tragedy, in the end she really did make it after all. And thus, so can we.
